Looking Back To Move Forward

Nikki and I write a lot about health and wellness, how to be successful, planning, recipes and so on but I want to share a different blog with you today.  We have dark days too and I think it’s important to share all of our feelings, even the not so warm and fuzzy ones.  I want you to know that we are coming from a real place.  Here it goes…

There are many days where I sit in my own self-hatred.  Today is one of those days.  Whenever I reflect on my past, this feeling shows up, rearing its ugly head, ready to destroy any self-worth I may have recently mustered up the courage to find.  This negative self-talk is so crippling.  It can really put a wrench in any plans for success if those thoughts are allowed to live in the mind.

At one time in my life I thought I could take on the world, do anything, be anything.  But as I got older and experienced loss, failure, and grief, and as I made mistakes and bad decisions, that voice of optimism and courage was slowly drowned out by a voice of regret and hate.

At the beginning of 2018, I decided I had had enough.  I was over these feelings and that this would be my year of healing.  But in order to heal, I needed to wake up.  It’s as if I spent the last few years asleep, hiding in a dream from the worst parts of myself that I was too afraid to confront.  When I finally woke up, I had to face those parts of myself all at once and it’s been a damn mess.  I also spent a lot of time drinking this year to drown out my feelings, trying to force myself to go back to sleep but now that I’m awake I can’t hide from myself anymore.

While I did do some healing this year, it was also full of some hard realizations about myself and a lot of negative self-talk throughout the process.  I spent a lot of time analyzing my mistakes, who I am, and why I am.  I needed to analyze my mistakes because I needed to know what I was doing wrong in order to decide what I need to do differently to succeed.  In an effort to help myself, I read a lot about being kind to yourself, self-care, and how to replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts.  I really struggled with that this year as I tried to dig deep into what the hell I’m supposed to do here on this Earth.

While I haven’t really figured that out yet and though the past few years have been a bumpy road of denial and self-destruction, I feel like 2019 will be my year of positive change.  It’s time to accept who I am and that I’ve made mistakes but to move forward with the knowledge that I now have because I’ve learned from those mistakes.  I think combating negative self-talk will always be a struggle for me but I’m confident that acknowledging I do it, is part of dealing with it and trying to overcome it.

Caitlin

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