This is not a health and wellness post. It’s more about my how I’m feeling in my current situation which I’m hoping someone will relate to and why I’m posting it.
I came to the hard realization that my entire first family is dead. I don’t mean my parents. I mean the family I chose to leave the nest with for the first time and to create my own home with. This family consisted of my long time boyfriend at the time, Jay, and our 2 cats, Gizmo and Gadget.
8 years ago I lost Jay to a brain aneurysm that ruptured. He was 25 years old. 6 years ago I lost Gizmo to severe kidney failure. He was 4 years old. And on Monday, I lost Gadget to complications from cancer. She was 9 years old.
We all go through tragedy, loss, pain, and grief. We all have our own challenges to face and our own battles to fight. But it doesn’t make them any less difficult does it. Knowing others are in pain doesn’t make me feel better to know that I’m not alone in my feelings of grief. It actually makes me more sorrowful because I’m an empathetic person who absorbs the feelings of others.
Seeing others in pain makes me wish I could take it away because I know what pain is like. I know what it’s like when something hurts so badly your heart hurts and your soul is shifted. But no one can take that pain away. Time maybe. But she’s not aways kind either.
Don’t get me wrong, I certainly still have family and friends and a new family consisting of a fiancé and a to be step daughter. I’m surrounded by so much love and support. But that doesn’t make that fact that my first family is dead any less true or any less of a painful realization.
That life I chose to begin has ended, it is dead, not by my choice but by circumstance. I refuse to believe that everything happens for a reason because loved ones being taken from us too soon is not for any reason at all. It just is what it is.
The death of my cat Gadget, brings an end to the last decade of my life. It has closed that chapter of my life for good. But maybe, to the bitter point of things happening for a reason, that had to happen so that I could finally move on to a new chapter of my life. Forcing me onward and forcing me to let go of the things I hold on to that cause me pain.
Not that the last chapter of my life will ever be erased. It’s just forever frozen in time. I’ll never get that part of my life back. I’ll never get back who I was then. But I can look at that person and I can see how she’s grown. I don’t always like her now but she’s still got a ways to go.
Change never did come easy to me. Time has drug me kicking and screaming into the future all the while I have been refusing all change and denying all truth. Time never was to blame though. Time doesn’t take anything away it actually gives so much. It provides opportunity. Opportunity to grow, heal, live, enjoy, love. It’s me that been wasting it. So who is to blame but myself.
– CS Squirrel