I have been really struggling lately. It’s like my good brain and bad brain are battling. The last few weeks I’ve been working really hard to make sure I’m doing the things I need to do for me. I’ve been journaling, meditating, exercising, eating better, drinking all the water, reading. All. The. Things. I’ve been checking off a list of these things daily to make sure I’m doing most of them on most days. Majority wins, perfection is not real. This is really great right? If you read that you’re likely thinking wow shes doing really well, that’s awesome.
Here’s what you’re missing though. Every day I’ve been releasing this negative ass energy from somewhere deep through attitude about work and people in general.
I’ve become a bit nasty and it just dawned on me this week. It’s like a mini reality smack to the face really and it hit hard. I have been doing all of these things trying to do the right stuff that I need to do, yet the nastiest bits of attitude just keep popping out, especially in places they hadnt before. I got really upset about this last night. Did some arguing, yelling and screaming, and of course crying. It felt really good to get those negative emotions out, but it also made me have to sit and face this. I’m facing it now as I write this in the middle of my workout.
Typically in the past I’d be consumed by this negative energy and beat myself up for feeling like this when I’m doing all this positive stuff. I’d tell myself its obviously not working because of this negative outburst so why even bother? As I shift my mindset I’m learning to ask my self truthfully why am I bothering? I’m bothering because I KNOW that this is right. This is what I have to do. I know the positive energy I feel and radiate comes from doing these things. I know that releasing that negativity is just a part of the this process. That negative energy needs to get out and go somewhere. While I may not be very good at getting it out constructively yet, I’m getting it out. It’s not sitting inside and stewing and building and feeding my bad brain.
I read my current favorite analogy in a book called Atomic Habits by James Clear recently. It went a little something like this:
You can put an ice cube on a desk in a room that’s 25° and it wont melt. You can heat the room slowly by 1° to 26° and it wont melt, to 27° and it wont melt, to 28° and it wont melt, all the way to 31° and it STILL wont freaking melt. One more degree though, the same slow incremental change you’ve been doing, to 32° and poof, it’s a whole new world. The ice starts to melt.
This spoke so much to me. If you’re still with me you know that at 29° I typically call it quits when really all that needs to be done is a just a little more consistency! I think my mini negative outbursts and the negative break of last night may have been my way of heating up my internal ice cube. Now, its finally starting to melt. I feel a little better today. I have some side effects from the break last night, but that’s normal. Ice cubes are a little messy when they melt. I think my good brain and my bad brain maybe had to battle it out a bit to keep turning up the heat so the melting could finally begin. I think it’s going to be okay.